I read my latest post, after almost 2 years of absence. I could hardly recognize the person writing. Angry and sharp. I am not that angry anymore. Or that sharp.

I feel quite meek and domesticated. Sometimes it becomes too much.

I used to hate the police. With passion and for a reason.
Now, having lived in England for the past 2 years, having made a "home" in a quiet neighbourhood, having had the same job for almost the same time, feels like my revolutionary fire has been put out. If there ever was one burning.

I know I liked to think so, but I'm not sure that was the case. I wished I could go out, full of rage and fury, join a march, a protest, shout out loud and be a rebel against all the rotten institutions we call society; but I didn't. Not even when I lived back in Greece when chances were abundant.

I might have got it wrong the whole revolutionary thing though. Cause what is revolution now, for me? Is it necessary to join the angry mob? Is it necessary to fuel action with fury?
Revolution has to be personal. "Soul rebel" like Bob says. But I guess that's what I'm afraid of. That I've lost this revolutionary streak as well. Fed from all the ASDA trips, the training days at work, the TV shows, the steady paycheck, the comforting security, my reactionary self gained weight, width and breadth and slouches and "can't be bovvered".

It's sad some days. Some days I don't fight back, I don't resist. Others I am trying to find out where I've gone. How can I have become so ... mild, so colourless?

Things have changed, I have changed. What are my dreams now? I don't even know if I have any. Now I've got plans. A bit ironic. A few years back, I thought of plans as a bad thing, limiting creativity and possibilities. I believed that things ahead coming without planning are even better, even more exciting and greater than planned schemes. But someone once told me about goal setting. And I heard her. I really let her words seep in. I gave her truth a chance, a trial. Didn't change right away, but I guess that listening that night caught up with me eventually and bloomed when it found the rich soil of giving in. Giving in to the inevitability of conforming, of fitting in.

It's strange how all words, notions more specifically, have one meaning but so many different colours. You can "give in" and it can be a good thing, making you soft and accepting, or you can "give in" and be untrue to yourself, to your deepest held beliefs.

Maybe it's a superficial diagnosis, maybe it's a cliche and maybe it's completely wrong -I will know about it only later- but I do feel it has to do with growing up and growing older. Other things that didn't take up quite so much of my attention and my thinking time, now are in the daily order.

Like worrying about things I have no control over. Like realizing the fragility of existence, but not using this understanding as a springboard to live more fully but as a chain to keep me in safe waters,safe choices.
And I feel I've lost the poetry as well, the ability to think and express in abstract, ambiguous ways. Ways that leave so much room for interpretation.

It's a good day today. Or so I label it.

karma-coma

ο χαρακτήρας, η τάση, η κλίση. τι περιμένουν οι άλλοι απο'μάς κι εμείς απ'τους άλλους. ολοι κωλοχαρακτήρες είμαστε. (σε) πηδάω, (με) πηδάς, (τον/την) πηδάει κτλ.. ένα εξουθενωμένο "έθνος" γαμιάδων. η καλή πρόθεση έγινε λάστιχο σφεντόνας και πέταξε μια πέτρα στα μούτρα αυτού που αγάπησες. τον άνθρωπο. γενικά, σαν είδος. οχι σα μονάδα. είναι φρικτή η ανθρωπομονάδα. η γενική ιδέα του ανθρώπου όμως, ναι , γι'αυτήν αξίζει να παλέψεις. πρέπει να θυμάσαι τις μέρες που δεν είσαι μαλάκας, για να θες να επιβιώσει το ανθρώπινο γένος. αυτό καθρεφτίζεται σ' εσένα κι εσύ σ'αυτό. ναι, δικτατορία δεν έχουμε ακόμα. όχι με τον τρόπο που είχαμε τουλάχιστον. είσαι ελεύθερος όσο δε δίνεις δικαιώματα. αν δοκιμάσεις λίγο τα όρια της ελευθερίας σου όμως, τότε καταλαβαίνεις που ακριβώς έχουν τραβήξει τη γραμμή για'σένα και την ελευθερία σου. έχασες τον εαυτό σου. ζεις μες στο πετσί κάποιου που μισείς ή μέσα στο πετσί σου ζει κάποιος που μισείς. στον άλλο βλέπεις μόνο εχθρούς. πώς να μη θες να κάνεις πόλεμο; πώς να μη θες να σφάξεις δεκάδες αθώους; "αθώους"...αθώοι όσο κι εσύ. και τόσο ένοχοι. πηδάω, πηδάς, πηδάει σας πηδάμε, τους πηδάτε, μας πηδάνε. και κανείς ικανοποιημένος στο τέλος. αφέσου μια στιγμή και νιώσε. εξαρτάσαι τόσο πολύ απ'τους άλλους περισσότερο για να επιβεβαιώνουν όλα αυτά που δεν είσαι, ενώ είσαι απασχολημένος να γίνεσαι αυτό που δε θες. υπάρχει. εκεί είναι. δες το. κάνε τον κόπο και κοίταξε. χωρίς να φοβάσαι. δεν υπάρχει λόγος. εκεί δεν υπάρχει τίποτα περισσότερο απ'ότι έβαλες εσύ. κι ό,τι αυτό έγινε. απ΄την περιποίηση ή την εγκατάλειψη σου. περιορισμός. κατ' οίκον, κατά νου, κατά σώμα, κατά τετραγωνικά εκατοστά που σου αναλογούν. κατά χιλιοστογραμμάρια οξυγόνου που χρειάζεσαι για να ψευτοανασαίνεις. κατά χώρο καρδιάς που ανοίγεις για τους άλλους αληθινά κι όχι το είδωλο τους που έφτιαξες. τι αριθμό θα βγάλει το άθροισμα της ζωής σου; πόσες μέρες, πόσες ώρες ελεύθερος στο προαύλιο της φυλακής που έφτασες να κάνεις τη ζωή σου;

monoton

expose yourself, even if it means "make a fool of yourself"-occasionally. or maybe most of the times. depends on the fool inside

you know it all, where can I hide from you?

I swear I could see something leaving under the bed. or maybe it was a shadow. I couldn't swear about it.
logic interferes. so does society, law and authority. in a limiting way. self-consuming. agonizing. for more of the same shit we've been eating so far. we know the taste, we're accustomed to it. it kinda grew into us.
how many things have we been called to irrationalize? and how many abnormalities to celebrate and wonder!!! Mouths open like fish out of water, slowly running out of air in the hostile environment

a person whose head equals to "exit" is blessed or cursed?
doomed by some, a hero by others.

I can only write when I listen. tune in.
for how long can anything hold me?
what don't I see partners in the path of life?
straight, simple things. minimalism. anadiplosis. retracing your steps and every little fear which has led you here. by which "you" I mean me.
fold and unfold. up to six times, it goes no further I heard today.
trying to remember what excited me when I was a kid.

when did I become so narrow-minded? predictable and same.
out there lies not the truth, but other people's lies
wear my costume of homogeneity, shield myself
armored and safe. clawk clawk go our shells as we open them occasionally trying to take some air in; you can almost hear it.
armored and safe. consequently happy. we guess
for each other. for ourselves we know better. and by then we have guessed it! it feels the same for all!
clawk-clawk-clawk- ....clawk..clawk
all over, tapping

it gets into you. you wanna know your friends then, around how many you can open your shell. it takes the loneliness away,I guess..for a while

fall

i need a guide. that's the first and basic realisation;
i can state the facts and describe them. they don't matter. truly.
all i need is a guide, i know. the two antithetic powers within me have grown. and, with them, their power to take me wherever they want. and while their synthesis into one organic whole brings greater results, their separation makes the gap bigger and deeper. balance is the goal. bridge. brigde the two.
guidance.

protaprilia,den eimai amerikanos

Loipon, den thymamai ti skeftika i ti enorasi m' ekane na log in kai na grapso, alla eimai edo.
mathaino kithara. so far, einai o kalyteros tropos pou eho vrei gia na tairiazo to mesa me to exo mou. otan vrisko to rythmo mesa mou pano stis hordes niotho ena me ta panta. kommati pou agapo na paizo: tom macrae-end of the world news.

don't know if my feelings are purer, clearer or just censored.
den xero kata poso to myalo mou epireazei tin antilipsi mou. den xero an zo mes ston kosmo pou yparhei i ston kosmo pou kataskevazo i ston kosmo pou yparhei alithina. o alithina alithinos kosmos theoro pos den mporei na ginei antiliptos para apo ligous; ohi eklektousd;apla ekpaideymenous. me thelisi. na ton doun.
an ithela na valo tampela tha'lega to tao. alla epeidi den eimai ypefthyni odopoiitikon ergon, den tha valo kai apla tha po oti i stasi mou synistatai sto na prospatho na vlepo tin kathe mera san tin teleftaia pano s' afti ti gi, ti diastasi, tin antilipsi ki etsi na prospatho na kano the best out of it.
n'agapao kai na to deihno; na'mai dektiki kai na to xeroun; na dimiourgo horis na mou to arnountai. na eimai.

nomizo tha eho ponokefalo avrio

nina simone

thick and thin
sick and sin
think and sink

Δως μου κάτι σταθερό, "..κάτι αληθινό"
κάτι σταθερό που ν' αντέχει στο χρόνο
στον πόνο, στη λύπη, στη χαρά.

κάτι που να μην το σταματάει τίποτα
να μην το κλέβει, να μη χάνεται
δικό μου, παντοτινό.

δως μου κάτι χρήσιμο να στηρίξω πάνω του
το βάρος μου, τα όνειρα μου

δως μου κάτι παλιό και καινούριο,
να μη μ'αφήνει ποτέ μόνη, νά'χω πάντα
παρέα

δως μου κάτι που ν'αντέχει στον πόνο, στα χτυπήματα
δώς μου κάτι δυνατό

δως μου μια παντοτινή εποχή όπου και όταν όλα συμβαίνουν, μέσα
σ' έναν κύκλο.
δως μου μια μέρα που συναντιούνται
όλες οι εποχές
και το φεγγάρι γεμίζει κι αδειάζει τις φάσεις του

δως μου κάτι για νά' ναι δικό μου
κάτι να το κρατήσω
δως μου κάτι που δε θα ζητήσεις πίσω.

wondering as ever

when we choose a part, we must be sure that we can play it to the end; our hero is unique; with special features, a certain attitude..towards life, towards people. we put that character forth? can we handle it?
choosing to leave behind your weaknesses, your wants for security, requires a certain level of awareness. to be aware of who you are, what cards you're playing with, what cards your opponents are holding; or indifference.
full dedication to the experiment.

leave one part of your emotions behind; leave all of them behind.
fear to feel, fear to show that you feel. fear becomes a feeling itself; fear to show fear.
you chose a strong character; someone who's more than you are. someone who shows it less.
be then;
be that.
be the person(a) you chose to be. the world is a scene, no?

the scene of a crime; against the potential. against infinite possibility.

yes, put yourself in a shell. make a good dwelling out of it, though..
support your fantasy, adorn it, paint it and make it beautiful; take it out and show it around; laugh and smile at the compliments.
be , feel it, play it.
walk in that shoes, walk and feel them yours.
are you strong enough? can you deal with rejection? can you deal with easy? undemanding? how undemanding have you become?

what did I set forth?
I need love. I need love. I need love. tired of feeling like dry land.
water me life. water me with love. this is my time. this is my time to take.
no can give no more.


greedy

have I become? no, balance; take before you don't even have enough for yourself.

summer; like a winter. inside, kept hidden..
needs and desires; I don't need needs, I don't crave for desires. passions.
the dreams are coming true; only when it's too late.
out-of-law feelings. solitude. how can sharing take place?

bubbles bubbles bubbles everywhere..
-hey, I opened mine! why don't you too and play in equal terms?
-equal terms? what is that? hahahaha
-give and take. is that too much?
-well, in this world of bubbles, it's almosr a sin. I think there's also a law against it.
-against what? give and take?
-yes, they check you, and if they find balance between the two,they punish you with excessive supply of one of the two.which is pretty much the same in that quantities.

are you creating a monster? against your will? without your knowledge?

teach? who can you teach? what do you know? what are you sure of? what's stable in you?
I can't even see you, spinning and whirling endlessly. if you just stayed still for just one moment, then I would be able to see what you keep in your center, feel your essence, feel you're mine. and that I'm yours. and that we're one. but you're spinning and whirling endlessly, and I cannot see you, I cannot touch you; and I don't know who you are. and I'm afraid you don't know who am I.
give me a ride inside your mind, and I will pay you back with one in mine.
care to take it?

no, don't answer that. I don't want to know. if you want, I am too fragile, too weird for your eyes. if you don't, I'm too fragile, and too weird for your eyes. strange to touch, to feel , to know. unexplored land. will you leave your flag here?

haven't left mine yet. senseless and numb. un aware. self less. shell confined.
divided to my core, to my basics. how can I handle? how can I handle?

abuse and observe. make basics an adventure. sustain myself successfully. live.
and don't think too much..cause it fucks it all up.